Staying away.
Why have I been away so long? A question we all ask at some point in our lives - in many different areas. Religion, poetry, writing, acting, living life to the fullest, friendships, blogs - you name it and I find I distance my soul from a variety of joys. Maybe I do this purposefully, I just don't know.
Here's what I think. A comment or remark can shut you down, shut you out, make you remorseful or sad. You then find you are in a valley looking at the mountain you have to climb, trying to determine what it will take to reach the top again. You purposefully let someone else's judgement do this to you. Shutting yourself down is like stopping the breath. My voice teacher says I hold my breath at the top before I speak or sing. I told him I do this to gather my thoughts before I speak because I fear what I may say.
I've been meditating every morning for the past 29 days. I get up and go down to the basement and for 10 minutes I listen to Sam Harris talk to me, suggest to me that my consciousness is a big sky and thoughts might be like a wave that catches you off guard, knocking you off your feet. Instead, Sam says, let thoughts be water under your feet, flowing softly.
So I have decided that ultimately what we need to understand and come to terms with breathing. Either you think about it or you let it come naturally. In my case, I hold at the top instead of gathering my thoughts or intentions when I take the breath in. Where does that breath or the thought originate? Breathing is what we do until we don't do it any more and consciousness could be the same. I've been working on letting that unpleasant thought or judgement unravel and finding an intention as I take the breath in.
My advice - just let it go, let it unravel in the sky or an ocean. What I'm trying to say is this - it's your consciousness, it's your breath. No one can take that away from you. It's yours to find joy or grace or belief - whatever you want. It's yours.
Until we meet again, be safe.